An uber-short, anal-retentive clean-freak who’s a genuinely decent guy. He lets Burman sleep on his couch for free, as he tries as hard as possible to succeed in romance and life. Inevitably, Ben is always ready to blow a gasket when Burman gets in the way, crumbling under the pressures of awkward situations and crazy adventures. At the end of the day, though, Ben loves Burman like a man loves an old, smelly dog. His glaring insecurity is his height, which he downplays around his close confidant, Amanda. Although Ben dates carousel of girls, he secretly pines for Amanda. Ben works at an ad agency, designing boring print ads for products he’d never use.
A short, loud-mouthed, mooching scum-rat who lives off of Ben’s hospitality. Burman speaks in a goofy hybrid of DeNiro and Pacino. He acts tough, but underneath the macho exterior lurks a total marshmallow. Burman has a knack for taking the longest route to a short destination, binge eating, and hanging out with thieves and vagrants. Inevitably, he frustrates Ben to no end with idiotic plans and get-rich-quick schemes. But at the end of the day, he always has Ben’s back. Burman thinks Amanda is dead-sexy, but he’d never make a move because he knows Ben is madly in love with her. Burman creates endless chaos with his loyal sidekick, Chilly Willy.
Ben and Burman’s spunky, sarcastic, beautiful childhood friend. Unbeknownst to Amanda, Ben has been head-over-heals in love with her since the first grade. Sadly, she treats Ben like a gay best friend, constantly asking him how her boobs look or what color to paint her toe-nails. She puts up with Burman’s incessant flirting because she knows that he’s harmless. Amanda is an event planner, and even in times of complete insanity, nothing phases her.
Burman’s sixteen-year-old side-kick. He’s African-American, obese, and incredibly tall. Chilly Willy is as “chill” as they come, always willing to lend a helping hand to Burman with intricate schemes. He’s a big teddy bear, yet revels in his role as the getaway driver. Chilly Willy doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s profound.
The grade-school version of Ben. He’s uber tiny, completely adorable, and has a big crush on Little Amanda. Little Burman frustrates him to no end, but Little Ben is fairly shy and has trouble making other friends. He looks up to Little Burman, admiring his confidence.
The grade-school version of Burman. He’s taller than Little Ben, and dons a touch of stubble. Little Burman is an endless trouble-maker, but sticks up for Little Ben when it counts. Little Burman is always trying to get the prettiest girls in school to kiss him, and Little Amanda is no exception.
Ben’s unrequited true love, since 1994. In Mrs. Schwartz’ English class, Little Ben and Little Burman each wrote a poem for Amanda. One was titled ‘The Heart Has No Height’ and the other was titled ‘Tickle My Pickle.’ Guess which one Burman wrote.
Amanda’s on-again off-again long-term boyfriend. With his bleached tips, manicured eye-brows, and chotchy urban-wear, Douchebag Dave lives up to his name in spades. Ben is insanely jealous of him: Dave doesn’t have to buy his denim at Gap Kids.
The miniature, ancient landlord of Ben’s bachelor pad. Don’t let the dentures, spectacles, or lace gloves fool you – Esther has no soul, and a terrifying monster lurks beneath her osteoporosis.
The muscular, strong-jawed adonis that lives next-door to Ben and Burman. He’s the ultimate alpha-male and never – repeat NEVER – wears a shirt. It could be negative fifty outside, and this guy would still be greasing his abs on the lawn.
Ben’s monotone, effeminate co-worker. He’s so ‘totally over it,’ looks fabulous in argyle, and loves a good apple-tini. Ben’s pretty sure he’s gay.
Mr. Charles Gleckman
Ben’s boss at the ad agency. He’s a mountain of a man with a fiery, no-nonsense temper. Gleckman runs a tight-ship, and doesn’t have much patience for errors. He chronically promotes and demotes his employees on a daily basis, so no one is safe. As a result, the entire office walks on eggshells. Gleckman also has a bizarre fetish for crime. He chronically assumes Ben is involved in illegal activities, yet he’s always willing to cover for him or offer tips on hiding evidence. Ben is baffled by Gleckman’s assumptions, but doesn’t dare correct him.
Homeless Julie is a hefty, old vagabond woman. Her teeth are rotting, her skin is leathery, and she smells like a dead cat. She’s too old to live, but too strong to die. Julie is like the neighborhood soothsayer. Burman turns to her for advice on roommate troubles, cooking tips, and macrame.
The owner of the local Chinese Deli. Our series regulars routinely meet for meals at the “Deli,” so Mrs. Wong becomes quite invested in their lives and problems. Mrs. Wong speaks English in such a think Asian accent, Ben understands absolutely nothing she says (and feels awful about it). Burman, however, can easily understand every single word Mrs. Wong speaks, and this bewilders Ben to no end. Mrs. Wong thinks Ben and Burman are a gay couple, both named “Bernard.”
One of Burman’s lackeys, Psycho Eddie is a knife-loving ex-convict who deeply cares for his pet potato. Ben and Burman aren’t sure if Psycho Eddie was in prison for tax evasion or smothering small children in their sleep. And they don’t dare ask…
Boring Pete is… boring. He’s the most inexplicably boring man in the world. His generally happy demeanor would be well received, if anyone ever remembered him. Burman uses Boring Pete for endless schemes against Ben. Pete, however, usually switches his allegiance to Ben and then back again on a moment’s notice because he doesn’t actually possess any real opinions.
She’s fifty seven, lonely, and horny as a jackrabbit. This broad’s got oodles of money to spend on Ben and Burman, two of the neighborhood’s most eligible bachelors. Really, she’s not that bad if you can look past the camel-toe.
The town drunk. Superhero Mike’s drink of choice is Killian’s Irish Red, and boy, can he chug them down. When Mike reaches a certain level of intoxication, his claim to fame is stripping down into his skivies and ‘protecting the peace.’
Kiyoko “The Praying Mantis” Watanabe
Standing at five foot four and weighing in at a whopping 93 pounds, The Praying Mantis is the competitive eating champion of the town and the object of Burman’s undying love. She can swallow a sausage like nobody’s business…
The town’s stripper / prostitute / investment banker. She’s always in the mood for a good time. And a corporate merger. And a BJ.
Rabbi Lance Shapiro
The coolest rabbi in town. Lance Shapiro services both yentas and shiksas alike. Ben and Burman visit him in times of doubt. And when they need a good recipe for kugel.
Ben and Burman’s evil nemesis. Rooker may look like a helpless blind guy, but that’s exactly what he wants you to the think. This sick fuck has twenty-twenty vision and fakes his handicap for sympathy from the local hotties.
When Ben and Burman can’t settle a disagreement, the only one who can mediate is the Lord of the Universe. Why he comes to Earth in the form of an awkward, pimple-faced Jewish kid, only God knows. Get it? Cause he’s God!
Every town has a hot MILF, and Sunnyslope is no exception. The Cosby Show’s Phylicia Rashad lives down the street, and gives Ben quite a rise in his shorts. Who could resist her morning jogs in that tight pink tank-top?
Milkman Bob might be the most depressing guy in town. Someone forgot to tell this poor S.O.B. that the 50′s are over, as he’s still convinced the town needs a milkman. Bob’s wife left him five years ago and he still sleeps in his van. He comes over on Tuesdays to play poker with Burman, which may be the only thing keeping him alive.
The bizarro Burman. Sherman is everything Burman isn’t – he’s cool, suave, hip, and a total bad-ass. Sherman rolls with an entourage of supermodels, so it’s no wonder Ben wants to swap roommates. Ben also wants to hang-glide with Burt Reynolds, but that’s completely irrelevant.
One time Burman thought Ben’s girlfriend was really a flesh-eating zombie. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. Either way, we got drunk and put zombies in our show.
A small, six-year-old Asian boy who is is quick, crafty, and obedient. Burman thinks he’ll make the perfect butler for Ben, so he takes him home, puts him in a cage, and feeds him from a dog dish. You know, a typical Thursday.
Burman’s old drinking buddy. Saint Nick has a conscience made of gold, but that doesn’t stop Burman from convincing him to fall off the wagon time and time again. This iconic big guy is your typical Santa Claus, except his liver’s failing and Mrs. Claus is banging Jack Frost on the side.
Beth the Nazi
She’s cute, she’s sweet, and she’s the perfect girl for Ben. There’s just one thing: she’s a Nazi. Her friends aren’t exactly the kind of people you’d invite over for matza ball soup and dreidel games. But if you ever need to gas someone to death, they’re totally your crowd.
The Guy in the Chicken Suit
Nobody has a clue who this guy is. Whenever a large crowd gathers, he shows up in the background to cheer or jeer.
Ben and Burman’s African-American friend. FB tries as hard as he can to express his ‘urban’ roots, but can’t shake his love for the Gap and cross-word puzzles. Despite our best efforts, we really can’t write a black character who doesn’t sound racist.
The half-woman / half-ogre who’s total obsession is Ben. Molly Mumbles waddles through Sunnyslope telling anyone who will listen that Ben is her longtime boyfriend. Terrified, Ben avoids her at all costs. But Burman encourages a real relationship because ‘it’d be real funny to see those two bang.’
Ben and Burman’s second grade teacher. Professor Frankel loves educating young minds, shaping kids’ futures, and filming kiddie porn in his basement. If you can look past his sexual predator tendencies, he’s actually really good at teaching trig.
Police Chief Randall
Sunnyslope’s no-nonsense, lesbian police chief. Chief Randall is tough on crime, and even tougher on her girlfriend in the bedroom. She arrests Burman on a weekly basis, leaving Ben to bail him out.
The police chief’s second-in-command / first-in-the-bedroom. Deputy Alex wasn’t a lipstick lesbian when she signed up for the force, but who could resist Police Chief Randall’s oozing sexuality?
The town’s second most pathetic dude (See Milkman Bob). Steve can’t seem to win at anything, and gave up on life long ago. He’s such a pathetic failure, he can’t even succeed at killing himself. He’s tried thirty seven times. Here’s hoping thirty eight’s the charm, Steve.
The flamboyant town singer. Harry believes he’s living in a musical. Ben and Burman think Musical Harry might be retarded, so they humor him. While he seems chipper and full of pep, it’s actually quite sad because most people throw rocks at him.
Ben’s athletic, physically-fit, best friend before Burman. One day in ’94, Burman ‘accidentally’ hit poor little Kenny with a shovel. Once confined to a wheelchair, Kenny became irrelevant. He probably died.
Anorexic Amy and Bulimic Betty
When these sexy ladies turn side-ways, they disappear. The cheapest date in town, Anorexic Amy hasn’t eaten since 1987. But Bulimic Betty is a whole different story: Ben’s gotta buy her full meals that always come right back up. Such a waste of cash.
One of Burman’s lackeys, Voice-box Jimmy is a chain-smoking little person riddled with emphysema. He speaks with a Stephen Hawking-like voice-box after winning a small settlement from the tobacco companies. Next stop: lung cancer.